Dear Mom...

2 years ago today, at 2:40am, I received a phone call that I knew would change my life forever. A call that I never wanted to answer. I didn't want to believe it. I was so upset with myself for leaving the hospital 2 hours before the call just so I could run home to take a quick shower. I wanted to be there with you. I had hope that you were going to make it in to the next day. I just wanted to hold your hand a little longer. There are only a few things I remember that night. A few moments I will never forget. I remember walking into the room and seeing you. You looked so peaceful, like you were sleeping. You looked so much better as if you were already healed and stripped away from any disease. Your color was back to normal,Your hands no longer looked different, You were finally at peace. For some reason I could not cry. I just stood there looking at you while watching the family say their goodbyes. Everything just didn't seem real. Then came time for me to make a few decisions and I knew I had to be in the right mind to do so. I had to remove myself from the room to have a quick moment alone. I remember going into the restroom and immediately falling to my knees in tears. I made sure to keep quiet because I didn't want anyone to walk in on me. I just needed that moment to myself. Shortly after, everyone left the hospital and I wasn't ready to go yet. I asked if I could stay and have a moment with you. They said I could, but not for very long. I was left alone in the room with you. I don't really remember what I said, or if I said anything at all. I remember sitting next to you. I kissed your forehead and held your hand. I laid my head on your arm and prayed. The next thing I knew, I had fallen asleep while resting my head on your arm and holding your hand. The nurse walked in, woke me up and told me that the funeral home had arrived to pick you up. I looked at my watch and realized that I had been in that room for over an hour, holding you as I fell asleep praying. I got up, kissed your cheek, told you I loved you and said, "I'll see you later, Mama" As I was saying those words to you, two gentlemen walked in, gave their condolences and proceeded to escort me out of the room while closing the door behind me. Everything in me wanted to scream out and say, "No, I'm not ready yet. Don't take her away just yet!" Luckily two of our favorite nurses were there to comfort me as I waited in the hallway. I did not want to leave until I saw you leave the room. They were in the room with you for a while. 30-45 minutes had passed as I was standing in the hall with the nurses. We were talking, laughing and sharing stories about you. At that point, it seemed like it was just any other day at the hospital, as if I were there to visit you. It wasn't until I saw them wheel out your body, covered from head to toe, that it hit me. It hit me hard and started to feel very real. That moment wrecked me more than that dreaded phone call. I honestly wish I hadn't seen that, but I was glad I stayed there until the very end. It's so hard to believe that this took place 2 years ago today. I miss you more than words could ever describe. I miss Your smile, Your laugh, Our conversations, Our arguments, Your witty remarks, Your voice, Our more than twice a day phone calls, Hearing you call me Mija, holding your hand, I miss you constantly trying to set me up and asking every single man if they'll marry me (ha, yes.even that) I miss your support, encouraging words, always having the right thing to say even when I didn't want to hear it, Your hugs, You singing "Los Mananitas "on my birthday, our friendship...I just miss everything about you. I'm so glad our relationship grew stronger through the years. You understood me, You got me, You were my biggest fan, You were my best friend. What a true blessing it is to be able to say that. You taught me so much in life, Even when I didn't understand it at the time. I'm extremely grateful for the example God gave me. You are forever with me and constantly on my mind. I continue to try my very best to make you proud. I love you, Mama. So much. You touched many lives and left one heck of a legacy. Today we honor you and celebrate your life in remembrance. Proud to be your Daughter, Christina Tinnielle, "Mija" Sanchez